理想主义与现实主义／Idealism and realism

我一直羞于承认自己是理想主义者，正如我一直羞于承认自己是现实主义者。事实上，我几乎从不承认自己是任何「主义者」。当不得不探讨政治问题的时候，我试图藏在绝对中立的面具后面，不偏向任何一方。这，当然，是不可能的。
学了性别学之后（感谢 Chris），我开始重新审视自己与这个世界之间的关系。

I have always been ashamed to admit that I am an idealist, just as I have always been ashamed to admit that I am a realist. In fact, I almost never admit that I am any “ist”. When I have to discuss political issues, I try to hide behind my absolutely neutral mask, and to be not biased towards any side. Which, of course, is impossible.
After taking Gender Study (thanks to Chris), I began to re-examine my relationship with the world.

在很多事情上，我是个彻头彻尾的理想主义者。我相信和平与秩序，相信理性（rationality）和理论（reasoning）的力量，相信人性的坚韧和美好。我相信（或者说希望）人类能联合起来，超越割裂和偏见，找到出路。但在某些话题上，我又非常矛盾地成为了顽固的现实主义者。小到不相信给流浪汉一笔钱他们就能重返社会，大到不相信 Brexit、Trump wall、两岸能得出有序的良性结果。
我已经发现了：我只相信抽象的、作为概念的人。一旦涉及到具体的、现实中的个人或者某些人，我立即丧失所有信心。
这完全不符合逻辑。不知怎的，我觉得全体人类放在一起就不可战胜，然而他们每一个单独拎出来都是弱智。要不就是我的脑子有问题，要不就是我把人类看作蚂蚁，因为蚂蚁有集体智慧。
可能我真的把人类看作蚂蚁。一种不自量力的、居高临下的态度，你可能会说，但我不会否认自己也是蚂蚁。我自己也有能见人的一面和破烂不堪的一面，就像每一只蚂蚁一样。我并不为自己是蚂蚁而自豪，相反，我在有能量自控的时候是个半夜都不会闯红灯的好市民，但在我（一点也不自豪地）当蚂蚁之后，我学着不去过于苛责自己。

For many things, I am an downright idealist. I believe in peace and order, believe in the power of rationality and reasoning, and believe in the tenacity and beauty of human nature. I believe (or hope) that humanity can unite, transcend what isolates and prejudices us, and find a way out. But on some topics, I am contradictory enough to become a stubborn realist. From small issues like not believing that the homeless can reintegrate into the society with one pushing donation, to big ones like not believing that Brexit, Trump wall, and China-Taiwan relations will end up orderly and benignly.
I have discovered: I only believe in abstract, conceptual human. When it comes to specific, real-life individuals or certain groups of people, I immediately lose all my confidence.
This is not logical at all. Somehow, I feel that all humans together can’t be defeated, but each of them is idiot. Either is there a problem with my brain, or I see humanity as ant, because ant has collective intelligence.
Maybe I really perceive humanity as ant. What an overconfident and condescending attitude, you may say. But I would not deny that I am an ant too. I have my good-looking side and my bad side, just like every other ant. I am not proud of being an ant. When I have the mental energy for self-control, I don’t even run red lights in the midnight. However, when I (not proudly at all) become the ant, I have learnt not to be too harsh on myself.

我的理想主义启蒙应该是北岛的《回答》和居里夫人的《我的信念》。后者提到过了，抄抄诗。

The enlightenment to my idealism should be Bei Dao’s The Answer and Marie Curie’s My Faith. I have already mentioned about the latter before, below is some poem copypaste.