关于性别认同和取向的探索,以及对 ABO 的想法/On gender & sexuality identification, and Omegaverse

Have been thinking about this topic for a while, but also have been exploring the whole time and writing it up too early may cause misleading messages.
There is no red carpet of flowers in my story, and there is no touching coming out experience (in fact I have not come out to my family yet), but it is worth telling.
Warning: very awkward and unnatural Chinese

性别认同 /Gender identification

I am a biological woman. I have gender anxiety since I was a child.
Currently I identify as non-binary – pangender.
I used to believe that gender is a spectrum, but not anymore, because spectrum has only two poles, which is essentially a refined representation of binary gender framework. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of variables that make up someone’s “gender character”, which cannot be summarized by one singular spectrum.
Now I feel like gender is part of personality, or perhaps gender IS personality. If we acknowledge that everyone is one of a kind (Junin Toiro in Japanese), which is everyone has their own unique personality, then we also should acknowledge that everyone deserves their own unique gender, instead of being restricted in a very narrow scale.
Confirming oneself’s gender anxiety can be quite a long process. The first time I searched it online was actually for a friend from another class who poured it out to me. At that time, it was known as the gender identity disorder, which was a really disturbing name. The name probably indicated it being a disease, I thought. I did not associate myself with those symptoms.
And there existed no such public figures in China at that time, but there existed Google, of course. Now that we don’t even have Google anymore, the transgender people have disappeared from the vision of the Chinese public, as if we did not exist at all.
Later, I fell in love with a girl. She is a very typical tomboy, with short hair, loud voice, fights people and plays basketball, and gangs up with boys, but I realized that I was not attracted to the masculine side of her. Recalling that my own behaviour in childhood was almost exactly the same as hers, I then began to wonder if I was a man in my heart.
The evidence was plenty: I hated wearing skirts, I hated colour pink, I was not interested in “girlish games” like playing with dolls, I liked to mess around with computers, so on and so forth. However, those are no real gender temperament, but merely gender stereotypes.
Recently I saw this question on Douban: (not the exact same words)
Do you really have gender anxiety, or is it that you just cannot bear the established gender stereotypes and roles anymore and claimed it for a change?
This is very rude and offensive a question, since I never intend to be a transgender police and tell you what is and what isn’t “true transgender” – of course you yourself is the only person who can decide that. However, it is also so incomparably real, because being a transgender and living responsibly as a transgender are two completely different concepts.
Now, finally, I can say without hesitation that both situations apply to me. But in my teens, with underdeveloped thoughts and fragile spirit, dealing with exam-oriented education, adolescence and parents everyday were already too much for me. I just couldn’t figure out everything, and fell deeply into self-doubt and self-negation. Fortunately, reflection and revision of self-concept is a journey of lifetime for everyone, and I have been trying to achieve a better balance with myself. I no longer hate skirts or pink, still not interested in girls' games, still in love with computers. I am neither a woman nor a man, sometimes acting as a woman and sometimes as a man, and sometimes as something else. I am my own gender.

浪漫取向与性取向/Romantic & sexual orientation

Perhaps, after all, the social acceptance of non-heterosexual is greater than transgender. I have liked both boys and girls, and then just accepted that I were not heterosexual. Since then, it has been my belief that love has nothing to do with gender.
After being with my ex-girlfriend for a year, I tried to vaguely mention it with my father, before he said (not the exact same words) that reproduction is a historical responsibility of females, and that not reproducing or/and homosexuality is antisocial and anti-humanistic. He is a sociology professor.
I have never had any conversation, frank or vague, with my mother or any other relatives about my gender identity or my romantic/sexual orientation.
Human psychology and physiology are so bizarre that romantic orientation and sexual orientation may not coincide. I am panromantic, however, in terms of sexual orientation, it took me some time to realize that others' body is only very weakly sexually attractive to me. Moreover, ironically, I do not enjoy sexual intercourse with biological women.
Recently a manga titled Setagaya Synchronicity popped up to me. Just started reading. The male lead is a college student who is heteromantic but homosexual. Since both the subject matter and the author are not hugely popular, the recommendation post and Amazon reviews are mostly positive, but still, a few reviewers wrote that they completely don’t understand the character’s thoughts and behaviour.
I am working harder everyday to curb my self-pity, because there are always less mainstream and less accepted people. If I immerse myself in self-pity and self-satisfaction without doing anything or speaking for anyone, then those who are silenced and disappeared will have one less chance of being seen again.
No matter who you are, no matter how minor the minority you belong to, every person is a real human being, with equal dignity and human rights, entitled to be cared for and to be free from discrimination.

虚构作品中的性别与性取向/Gender and sexuality in fictional works

据我所知,影响最大的虚构性别系统有三种,ABO、Dom/Sub、哨兵向导。其中,主流文化也会用 alpha、beta、omega 来形容性格,D/S 在现实生活中有原型(BDSM),只有哨向是完全虚构的(出自电视剧哨兵,)。
我觉得 D/S 是正常性欲的一种小众的表达方式;近期才接触少量哨向作品,暂时不好说什么;但关于 ABO,我有话要说。
As far as I know, there are three major fictional gender systems (at least in works written in Chinese): Alpha/Beta/Omega (Omegaverse), D/s, and Sentinel AU. Among these, the mainstream culture also uses the words Alpha, Beta, and Omega to describe personalities; D/s has its prototype in real life (BDSM); only Sentinel is completely fictional (from the TV series The Sentinel).
I believe D/s is an alternative expression of normal sex drive. I only started to read about Sentinel recently and can’t say anything specific at the moment. However, with regard to Omegaverse, I do have something to say.
我欣赏许多使用 ABO 设定的作品,其中一些甚至借用 ABO 系统严肃地讨论了性别角色的合理性。然而,作为一个磕磕绊绊的性少数,我发现这个系统本身有问题:它使跨性别和非异性恋几乎成为不可能,尤其是对 Omega 们而言。
在 ABO 世界里,男性和女性的区分几乎可以忽略不记(有些作品干脆予以省略),ABO 系统是主要的性别系统。然而,这一系统并没有形成对男女性别系统的突破,而只是换了一个名字来对其进行重申和进一步强调——更极端的性别刻板印象、性别角色固化,以及性别不平等。Alpha 是勇猛和领导力的代名词,Beta 大多一辈子平平无奇,连生育率都比其他性别低,跟工蚁没有两样,而 Omega 则是 Alpha 之间所竞争的奖杯。尤其是「发情期」、「信息素」和「标记」的设定,让 Omega 丧失了一切主体性,彻底沦为欲望客体和生育机器。听起来挺耳熟的,不是吗?
通过一点历史挖掘,我意识到 ABO 系统的创立跟我一直以为的(谁给我灌输这种思想的?微博)性别平权目的没有任何关联,而是纯粹源自一个幻想两位虚拟男性角色之间的拟态传统男女关系框架(原文:prude/bitch)的点梗。所以,ABO 系统的核心根本不是反传统性别系统,而是对其彻底的服从和顶礼膜拜,以至于想要把本该相对平等的同性间的浪漫关系也囊括进传统的男/女性角色区分,从而创造出来的。
I appreciate many of the works under the A/B/O setting, some of which do use it to seriously discuss the rationale behind gender roles. However, as a stumble gender minority, I found the system itself problematic: it makes transgender and non-heterosexuality almost impossible, especially for Omegas.
In the A/B/O world, the distinction between female and male is almost negligible (some works simply omit it) and A/B/O becomes the main gender system. However, this system is no breakthrough from the f/m system, but only reaffirming and further emphasizing it with a different name – more extreme gender stereotypes, more solidified gender roles, and greater gender inequality. Alpha is synonymous with bravery and leadership. Betas are mostly unremarkable for all their lives, and even with lower fertility rate than other genders, exactly the same as worker ants. And Omega is the trophy for which Alphas compete with each other. In particular, the settings of estrus, pheromone and marking have caused Omegas to lose all their subjectivity, and become merely objects of lust and reproduction machines. Sounds familiar, no?
Through a little bit historical digging, I realized that the creation of the A/B/O trope has nothing to do with any gender equality goal that I thought it would be (who gave me this idea? Weibo), but purely from a prompt of two male characters mimicking a traditional f/m relationship (original text: prude/bitch). Therefore, the core of the A/B/O system is not against the traditional gender system, rather, it was created out of a thorough obedience and worship of it, so much so that it even enveloped the romantic relationship between the same sex, which is supposed to be relatively equal, into the traditional gender roles.
对作品本身的享受和批评是可以分开的,毕竟人们总得找出活下去的方式。我仍然不会因为 ABO 设定而拒绝某篇作品,甚至有那么几篇对我的世界观产生了很大影响。如果所有这些作品/设定是把你和这个世界联系在一起的最后一根绳索,那么,我们是同路人。
The criticism never stops of people like me who seriously comment on (recreational) web novels and their settings. However, just like any other serious literary works, since these works also draw from reality, commenting on them has a positive significance to the real world.
Enjoying and criticising can be separated, after all, people have to find a way through life. I will never reject a work simply for its adopting the Omegaverse setting, and even a few of them have made a huge impact on my world view. If all these works/settings are among the last strings that connect you to the world, then we are on the same side.


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